Why is it so hard to watch your life go by?
Why cant you just sit back and "enjoy" the pain?

I enjoy warmth because we have been cold. I appreciate light because i've been in darkness. By the same token, i can experience joy because i have known sadness, but now it's all gone. Even i cannot feel the coldness anymore. My heart is numb.

i never knew that i had so many tears to be shed in a single minute.

Because my pride is too expensive, i won't come and beg in front of your feet, even if i have to die. Not a chance i'll do that. After the pain you caused me, and after what you did to hurt me, my pride, and my alter ego.

I'll never say i have a hard life,because i don't want it to be hard, but you just make it worse.

i sacrificed my self pride for you once, i did it for the sake of my family. If i have to do it once again, and apologize for something i didn't do, That's not because i give up. That's because i'm strong enough to let go.
I shed a silent tears that no one can see. I'm struggling alone in here.
I know she never allow me to leave that place and move here, But i insisted that time.
You also never allow me to go, not because you wanted me to stay, that's because you cannot accept the fact that i'm better than your beloved stupid son.

I just wish you can change. If i know you can behave like this, i wouldn't let her marry you that time. Oh, i forgot, i was too young to make a decision that time.

Everybody likes to fool me.
You fool me with your great attitude that time, i even LOVED u more than my blood father.
but i think i'm wrong.
and my blood father, i don't know whether i should hate you or love you.
you keep saying you love me, but only those words that came out from your mouth.
Not even once you make me your no.1 priority.

I told myself not to cry, because this matter doesnt worth my precious tears.
i've been holding myself like i'm holding something for my dear life.

and as for my bestfriends, i thought they love me as much as i love them.
I think i keep repeating the same mistake that haunts me down every single time.
why does it feel so hurt?
right after you know that your bloodless heart cannot bleed anymore.

I just need a single hug, but nobody can offer me. Actually they can, but the certain someone cannot give the hug i want the most. I think that time, before i runaway and left everything behind, that hug is the first and last hug i can feel from you.

You're too tired to fight anymore, but you have to, because you want to see me come back with a genuine smile on my face. Trust me, i won't dissapoint you anymore.
You're too weak to stand and protect them, but you have to, and i'll let you rest when i can stand on my own feet without your support anymore. This is the only one promise i can give to you.

Now let me enjoy every minute i have in this darkness.
You will know that in the dark, your shadow even cannot comfort you.

************************

EDIT

*sigh*
now i really think that i'm useless.
what i always did something wrong.
it never went smooth when something came to my hands.
maybe, i better stop to act like a hero and help others.
when i help them and they never appreciate it. so, why bother to help then?
=__________=''''
i never expect people to thank me. i never expect them to rewards me, what i ask is only appreciate it, but they always act that those are their hardworks. uhm okay.

and i hate it, when u're the one that need me, but i be the one that keep contacting you and ask you about it. but i cannot stop this habbit. maybe, i should learn how to be ignorant.

Ignore this post.
I just realized how stupid i can be to make this gloomy post.
i'm not supposed to show my inner emotions =.=''''