i've been selfish in my whole life.
so why bother to be less selfish?

i know other people always sacrifice their needs for me.
and i cannot sacrifice my need for once just for them.
sorry, i always feel sorry.
but i cannot do anything.
if i weren't this selfish, i couldnt get what i want.

i know i dont get what i want everytime.
but i keep insiting, at least what i get always near what exactly i want.

this afternoon.
i sat in the living room silently.
then i spotted 3 men.
one is so fragile with the oxygen connected to his body, the other one was doing his job and look so pathetic, the last one was calling someone, he's strong outside but weak inside.
and a girl, she was having her simple lunch, and she looked so happy evendou i know she's crying inside coz her parents didnt have money to pay her school fee, the brother of the girl never dare to dream about something, and the mother is so helpless.

life has been unfair, but when will life be fair enuff for everyone?

i need to cry, i want to cry, but i know i can't.
once i shed my tears it means i lose once again to this cruel fate.
i don't want to lose, i still need to fight lots things.
i still have a very long task-list to do.

sometimes i think that my life would be better if i lived with my daddy, then i keep rethink, and the answer will be no.
no, life never been any better. i stuck at my place.

i always think that im the worst person in this entire life.
remember what fault i did. my biggest fault. i always think that im unworthy and useless.
my biggest fault, the reason why i craved a tattoo on my left hand.
the reminder for me not to REPEAT the same thing again. coz if i do it, it means i destroy my own life, and my mother's life.
i don't have heart to destroy my mother's life, thats why im struggling to fight this matter.
this isnt for myself, i do this only for my mom. think that i owe her a lot.
i owe her my life. thats why i need to pay her back by giving my life, a useful life for her to live.

how i wish life could be an easy one.
i'm willing to trade anything that i have if only i can escape from this damned circle.